I moved all of my old blog posts to rebeccasjourneyblog.wordpress.com and am writing there now.
the rain falls in spain
black as pain
writhing in the wind
thrown against the asphalt
into the gutter
and out to the sea
to be tossed around
by the tumultuous waves
the pain becomes solid like concrete
sinking to the bottom of the ocean
far away but never forgotten
It’s not about me. It’s about us and where we are going. I don’t know where that is. Does it matter? Does it matter who I am or what I do or where we are going? We go. We do. We are. We live. Moving from here to there through the cosmos. Unfolding and letting go and unfolding more as the constraints fall away. Maybe we are bigger than we think. The fear keeps us tied up and we have to know where to cut the cords at the right time, because we could explode if we aren’t careful. Explode into nothingness with the cut of a wrist, a dagger to the heart. Pain explodes. We must taper the blows. Do we know… anything? We see things from our own eye and that eye is a terrible liar. Every eye is different and we argue about what we see like everyone should see the same things. We lie to ourselves about what we see to comfort ourselves. Some are better at lying than others. But I’m not so sure the liars have it worse, for they can comfort themselves in a way the ones with clearer vision can’t. But do those with clearer lenses really see things more clearly or just in a totally different way? They not only see the sky, but feel it in their being like a rain shower in the morning at dawn. Clouds wander in and get stuck in the heart. The world seems to be falling apart. I see you clouds. You may part when you are ready. Oh, the golden sun, shining in the afternoon, warming my skin. I raise my head up to take it all in. The boats glide across the salty, blue water, following the sun as it dips it’s feet into the water and slowly submerges itself. Then it is dark and it’s the moon’s time to shine, along with the stars, so far away, never to be touched, but only to be felt with the heart.
We are nothing. Maybe that’s why people treat each other like nothing. We make up thoughts to explain everything, but it doesn’t mean it’s accurate or means anything. Even this post means nothing. Everything is nothing. All of our efforts are for nothing. We are made up of nothing, just energy. Complicated nothings. We try to appreciate all of the nothing. We hold onto our thoughts made up from thin air or passed on for generations. We look for reasons. We look for other people to fill the emptiness, but they are empty too. We look for comfort and safety, but there isn’t any really, just temporary platitudes. There is a certain beauty in the complexity of it all. We want to feel relevant and important and loved and safe, but it’s not real. Life isn’t important. It just is. Maybe the pain will go away if I can accept that I am nothing, I deserve nothing and need nothing. Feeling better already. The only problem is: what do I do now? I guess nothing.
Love doesn’t come from outside of ourselves. When we feel love, it comes from within. Love is energy that is always within us. Why can’t we always feel it? Because we close up. Even when we close up to others, we are closing up to ourselves as well, because we are essentially closing up due to fear of our own reactions to another person’s behavior that might hurt us. If we fully love ourselves, there is no reason to close up, because we know nothing anyone does will make us feel like any less of a person. Getting to the point of feeling open all of the time, which is essentially love, takes experiencing life, patience and understanding. Plus, everyone starts out in different places. How much did your childhood experiences close or open you up?
I’ve noticed that I’m afraid of most people, so I close up. I realize now that I don’t have to do that. I can practice being open as long as I realize that no one is really hurting me. It only hurts if I shame myself based on what they say. Shame is like hating yourself. It’s the opposite of love. It was a learned behavior at a young age.
Love isn’t something someone can give us. It is something that is generated within. It sure is nice to find someone who we can feel safe and open with, but there are bound to be times when they say something that will affect us and make us feel closed up, but we can learn to heal this part of ourselves and not blame them for it. We can do this with anyone in our life.
It can be difficult to know what love feels like if we have never felt it. There can be glimpses of it, but what I’m talking about is total openness, total freedom, total bliss.
Love is a beautiful thing, the ultimate truth of who we are. Let yourself open up and whenever there is pain or upset, let it be another opportunity to let go of any control over fear, fear of not being good enough or capable enough or important enough or worthy of love or cared about or whatever is coming up for you. Trust that you can handle anything that comes your way. Learn from every experience. Listen to yourself. Don’t discount how you feel or what you think. Voice your feelings or thoughts or journal about them. Accepting yourself for who you are is a big part of love. Feeling love for ourselves is what makes life bright and worth living and if you aren’t there yet, it can be learned.
If you were interested in this blog post, I recommend reading the untethered soul by Michael A. Singer. My best to you in finding all the love you need, within yourself.
There are some people in the world, myself included, that feel the need to find themselves. I’ve been trying to figure out this feeling for some time. Why don’t some of us know who we are?
Maybe I should give some background information about how I see society. It’s important, bear with me. We are born and we essentially know very little. We hear voices and words and patterns of sounds in the womb that have become familiar. As we grow, we learn how to behave in a way we can get our needs met and feel safe. We are taught ideas and beliefs by our family, teachers, social groups, friends and the media. In general, we absorb all of the information around us and it just feels right to believe whatever we are most exposed to by people we trust; beliefs about the world, others, love, life, ourselves, how to fit in, etc.; although some of us, when exposed to different ways of thinking, may change our minds or begin to question what we previously learned. There are also those of us who feel like something is not quite right with something we’ve been taught, because it doesn’t mesh with other values we hold, like judging others may feel wrong, because we know what it feels like to be judged and we have enough empathy to want to resist doing that to others. Who we are is mostly what we’ve experienced, but there’s also an innate part of ourselves, called temperament, that is not taught. It’s a physical part of us that determines our level of curiosity and awareness of a deeper part of ourselves. Some of us see the external world as all there is and aren’t really aware of our own inner workings. Some of us become very curious about our inner world and begin to ask questions about why we believe the things we do. Why do others believe the things they do? Why is the world the way it is? We love these deep questions and pondering the answers. Both types of people are important to our world.
The people who are aware of their inner world want to know who they really are, essentially. How did I become who I am? Why do I act the way I do? What makes me, me? We want to shape ourselves and do what feels right to us, to not be led by anyone or any idea unless it feels right. Some people think they need to get rid of everything to become who they are, but that is not possible. If we got rid of everything, we would just be a body sitting in a chair. Nothing. We can change our beliefs to something else. Is it better than what we were taught? Many of us think so, but not necessarily, but at least we feel like it’s our own, but is it really? Does it matter? Well, I think it does, because there are some pretty harmful thoughts and beliefs out there, like racism and any idea that makes one think they are completely better than another. In my opinion, we should definitely question any belief that causes people in our society to suffer. But there are people in the world that could care less about another’s suffering, so what is important is subjective. If we want our society to be a peaceful one, empathy and understanding is important. Essentially that’s compassion. Not all people care about peace and they may have different definitions of peace. Some may only think of the physical suffering, whereas I think of emotional suffering also. Some may want peace around themselves, but don’t really think about the rest of the world. So is anything right or wrong? Maybe everything just is. For those of us who are finding ourselves, it’s about extinguishing the beliefs that don’t feel right to us, finding the ones that do feel right, reincorporating anything we enjoy about our lives that we stopped enjoying because others didn’t like it, and accepting ourselves for who we are. It’s essentially about listening to our heart and letting it guide us instead of others guiding us. This takes time. It is a journey of discovery and rediscovery, letting go of what feels wrong, and trusting that we have a right to go wherever we choose, enjoy this beautiful gift of life we’ve been given and learn to live fully in this moment as much as we can for the rest of our lives. It’s not an easy path, but it is our own path and it’s our way of finding inner peace and joy.
I woke up today, analyzing my feelings as I often do when I feel down. Why did I feel so happy a week ago and now I’m in pain again? I think I started going downhill when I started feeling like I wasn’t important to others, and deleting my Twitter account compounded this, but now I’m here. Am I looking to feel important here? Why? Why do we need to feel important? Can we not just exist? Is it just me or is it everyone?
Wanting to feel important causes both positive and negative behaviors that depend upon a person’s early experiences and expectations of them, like bragging, talking, listening, doing things for others, getting a job, wanting to help the world, getting upset with someone if they cause you to feel unimportant, volunteering, taking care of animals, etc.
Is helping others really helping if we are doing it to make ourselves feel important? What about those of us who feel we have no one, like the homeless. We help them because it makes us feel important, but what about them? What makes them feel important? Is this why they are emotionally stuck? They don’t feel they have value so why try to do anything?
In my opinion, we shouldn’t live in a society where we need to help others. We should all have what we need and everyone should do what they can to produce what is necessary to sustain life and a modicum of comfort. We should support each other because it makes us feel important, but not to be more important than anyone else. Maybe that’s the problem. We are all equally important, but in this society, the way things are set up, we start to think about who is more important and reward them with more money. Who is more important? People with a college education? People who take charge? People who use others to get ahead? So what happens here? People start to equate money with importance. That’s why things go horribly wrong. The truth is that we are all equally important.
We think if we make things fair, people will do nothing. We think we need people to strive for something, but if people have an innate need to feel important, then this premise is moot. Why can’t we just trust that people will find what they want to do to feel important? Isn’t it about time we stop trying to control things and put our fears to rest? We see people who use welfare and distract themselves from life as much as possible with TV and social media and addictions. We think if we don’t have this monetary system, people will do nothing. I posit that people do nothing because they feel unimportant and they distract themselves to avoid feeling unimportant. It hurts to feel that. So if we set up a system without money or one where people get paid more equally, where everyone feels valued for what they could contribute, I think that people would not be inclined to do nothing, quite the opposite. Our society would be much more emotionally stable and happy.
It’s interesting where my thoughts led me today, from the simple feeling of pain to realizing my need to feel important to realizing everyone feels this way. Many of us want to do work that ‘we’ feel will be important to others, but often we are limited by our need to work for a certain amount of money to live. Our safety net is broken. Our society is broken. This is why so many of us are unhappy. Businesses keep using our unhappiness to manipulate us into buying things, staying addicted to whatever they are selling and thus keeping us stuck and in a state of confusion. Lets turn off all of the electronics once in awhile and figure out what to do about this. The world needs you. You are important.